


I'm here

by indecisivemess



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Asexual Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, But its not remus, Crying, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, Kisses and pillow forts, Panic Attacks, Tell me if there's something else i need to tag, mentions of rape/non-con, nothing bad actually happens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:55:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21767947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indecisivemess/pseuds/indecisivemess
Summary: When they started dating, this was the least thing Virgil expected to happen. It was not like he was opposed to that idea, but goddamnit, he at least wanted Patton's consent on the whole deal! If his mind would just shut up that would be nice too.(I didnt proof read through this, so I'm sorry if this doesnt make sense).
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	I'm here

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like they got both kinda ooc, but eh. reasons for that at the end notes.

Patton was simply doing the dishes. He had his back turned to the kitchen door and was distractedly humming some random song, focusing on not letting any of the very breakable things he was handling escape from between his soapy hands. His efforts were adorable, just like the rest of him, really, but his mind felt too full to even acknowledge that. He felt like the shittiest boyfriend in the world already, considering they hadn’t even talked about this yet, but the jittery energy coursing through his veins was rapidly fueling the voices and he just needed peace and quiet. Before he realized it, Virgil was just behind his boyfriend, a few steps away from him. He wasn't sure how, but the heart was aware of his presence, by the way he peeked over his shoulder to check on him before a smile slipped into his lips, going back to work.

\- I’m almost done here! - his voice was peppy and excited, like he wasn’t pretending he didn't hate doing the dishes. - Did everyone enjoy dinner? I can’t hear if they-

His voice got stuck on his throat as he felt Virgil’s arms wrapping around his waist, the unexpected action almost making him drop the plate he was cleaning. It wasn’t forceful, or had much force put into it, for that matter. The way Morality froze in place for a second was more for the fact that, most of the time, his boyfriend wouldn’t be much into affectionate touches, and something in the pit of his stomach told him this wasn't right.

\- Everything okay? - he voiced, gripping the plate tightly.

That seemed to be the wrong step, however, as he felt Virgil’s shaky breath against the crook of his neck. It was weirdly light, almost ticklish, and his whole body shivered involuntarily to the contact, for reasons Patton couldn’t put his finger on. He felt the need to shift around, the lack of comfort prickling under his skin, but Virgil’s chest was pressed across his back, and all his desires rapidly flew out the window as he noticed just how fast his heart was beating.

\- Vee, hey - he started, that soft, careful tone of his barely reaching Anxiety’s ears. - I won’t judge. I promise I won’t. Do...you wanna talk about it?

Virgil opened his mouth, for a moment wanting to admit it, but the familiar buzz scratched at his throat, that terrible feeling against his skin, and he knew his voice would come out distorted if he tried to speak. The delay on his responses was only making Patton more impatient, but he couldn’t, he shouldn’t. He would freak him out, maybe even make him scared of him, and Virgil couldn’t have that, he couldn’t lose him because of this.

\- Honey-

His mind rapidly betrayed him, fear replaced by the flashing images of his dark thoughts. Just with that word, that simple word, and he was back into his cursed vision. Of Patton naked, in his bed. The sounds were horrible, all the wet, sticky, slapping of skins echoing his head, the dizziness giving him a headache. His mind particularly wanted to focus on the ropes, for some reason. On how they burned red marks against Morality’s pale skin, on how much he wanted to get free of them. There was blood dripping out from the wounds they opened, going down his arms. Patton was using every nickname, every word he could say, begging him to _stop_ -

He didn't feel his arms turning Patton around to face him, only registering his desperate movements as he surged forward, soft lips on his. There was a sound, he wasn’t sure coming from who, but he didn't care. He tightened the grip around his hips the tiniest bit, sighing in relief as Patton’s tense figure seemed to slowly ease out, his arms coming up to wrap around his neck. Vaguely, he realized the water had stopped running, and Patton’s hands didn’t drip a single drop, magically dry.

Virgil doesn’t know for how long they kissed. He just knows that, for as long as they did, everything was quiet. No voices, no images. The softness was all his cotton filled brain could process.

He pulled away when he felt Patton moving to do so, his own eyes wide, searching, and V noticed to his own shock, that his boyfriend seemed relaxed too. His cheeks were red, extremely red, and his glasses were slightly crooked to the right, but the corners of his lips were already curling up in a smile.

\- That was, uhm…

\- Y-Yea.

Virgil surprised himself, realizing his voice wasn’t distorted when he spoke up. Without thinking, he loosened his grip on Patton, but his boyfriend didn't seem to like that, moving closer to him in the same portion he tried to slip away.

\- If you wanted a smooch, you could have asked - he said shyly, slowly looking from Virgil’s eyes to his lips.

\- Don't, call it that.

\- But that’s the name of it, right? - he tilted his head to the side, and the cuteness of his action almost killed his partner.

\- I mean, yea. But still.

Patton only chuckled, standing on the tips of his feet to press a light kiss to the corner of his mouth.

\- I really liked, uhm, whatever you wanna call that - his shy giggle tickled in his ears, for some reason, and the way he was starting to press against Virgil’s torso was really getting under his skin. - Thank you.

That muffled down every possible emotion he could be developing, making Virgil furrow his eyebrows.

\- Thank you??

\- Yea! - Patton replied, like it was the most obvious thing. - I don't know. You took the lead and you really surprised me! It’s nice... for a change.

Anxiety really didn’t know how to reply to that. Was he saying he wanted him to be lovey-dovey more often? Or, the most probable option, was he finally admitting dating him was a bother because he had to be the one to always take the first step? The light brush of something grazed his cheek, and Virgil couldn’t help but tense up at the gesture, realizing Patton was simply trying to get his attention. His face was mostly neutral, but his eyes showed him his disappointment.

\- Is really everything okay? You... never got around to answering that.

Like the coward he was, he curled up onto himself, failing to disappear under his jacket. The miniscule courage he might have had to admit what had been bothering him had slipped away, dissolving into the thin air. So he did the next best thing and shrugged, not meeting Patton’s eyes.

\- That’s okay – the other sighed, and then smiled a little, slowly untangling from Virgil. – Are the others in the Common Room?

\- Uhm – Virgil blinked, pushing down the feeling of rejection that threatened to form in his chest. – Don’t think so. Logan went to bed early, for once.

Patton nodded, looking extremely relieved, and then snapped his fingers, the rest of the dishes appearing on the drying rack, squeaky clean.

\- We have the floor all for ourselves then – his voice was low, like he was whispering a secret, and that sparked something in Virgil’s stomach, as he gently took his hand. – Wanna build a pillow forth?

The sudden change in tone of their conversation left the anxious side more than a little lost, but Patton’s hand was warm, and he was starting to bounce, his expressions openly excited. There was no way he could say no to that.

And so, the heart dragged them to the Common Room, only letting go of his hand to snap his fingers with both of his hands, endless piles of blankets and pillows suddenly popping into existence and drowning them both. Patton simply dissolved into giggles, and his excitement was contagious, by the way Virgil let himself smile a bit too.

They somehow managed to swim around the fluffiness of it all, and thanks to the Virgil’s efforts, they also managed to somewhat return some of the excess in materials back to Patton’s room, using only the softest and more comfy looking pillows to build their fort. In truth, neither of them was very good at it, that talent surprisingly being shared between Logan and Roman, but they got around it, simply twisting the picture of it they had both created, and going with something easier.

The anxious side stepped away from the monstrosity that was the final product, glancing at Patton as he mimicked him, attempting to appreciate the pile they had somehow made.

\- Okay – he started, his voice unsure. – It doesn’t look _that_ bad for a first try!

Virgil could only snort at his optimist. Whatever they had done was the farthest from a pillow fort, but at least it was done. He eyed the chairs they had dragged to the living room, to how precariously the gigantic blanket lied over them and somehow over the couch too, which had been rotated around to give their fort a “sturdy wall”, as Patton had put it. Under that, was a mess of pillows, with all sizes and colors, wrapped around bed sheets and covers, to the point you couldn’t see the carpet under it at all. He could only watch, as his boyfriend kicked off his shoes and snapped his fingers to change into his onesie, excitedly crawling inside the fort.

From the outside, while Anxiety decided if he should change into a onesie as well or not, the blankets simply got illuminated, like a source of light suddenly had popped into existence, and he could only frown when he heard a quiet gasp, and then some sort of shuffling.

\- Pat? – he mumbled, leaning down to peek into their creation.

The most blinding smile greeted him, Patton’s head framed by the fairy lights behind him. They weren’t necessarily bright, to the point you could look directly at them and not have your eyes burn, but something in the ambience they created made his heart ache.

\- Vee – he replied, giggling right afterwards. – I thought it was kinda scary under here, so hope these are alright?

\- Uhm – he blinked, tearing his eyes away from his gorgeous face. – Yea, I guess they’re alright.

The moral side could only smile at his shy reactions, shifting around to grab a plushy he had brought from his room as well, making sure to cover his eyes with it as the sound of Virgil’s magic swooshed the air. He was clumsily crawling under the blanket not too long afterwards, the onesie possibly giving him a hard time to move around. His shoulders visibly hunched forward as he nervously stood there, more noticeable than usual thanks to the lack of his hoodie, and he only begged for Patton to say something to muffle the awkwardness floating around them.

\- We should be very proud of ourselves! – he hushed, aware of the somewhat intimate setting they had created accidentally. – We did a lot of firsts together.

Virgil almost choked to death right then, snapping his face to look at him.

\- Excuse me? – he managed to let out, his wide eyes meeting Patton’s confusingly innocent ones, the back of his mind almost pushing his intrusive thoughts back to the front.

\- Yea – Morality said. – I had never made a pillow fort before. Had you?

His voice was almost sad, like you had just told him Santa wasn’t real, and Virgil almost felt bad, wouldn’t be for the implications bouncing around in his mind.

\- I... no, I don’t think so – he stumbled over his words, rubbing his forehead. – But that- I mean – a sigh escaped his lips. – That can mean something else. And uh... it’s kinda misleading.

\- Ah.

That was all he got as a reply, Patton’s eyes drifting away from him, and now the air wasn’t just awkward, it was really depressing too. His boyfriend looked like a kicked puppet, and Virgil could only let the blame fall on him, his bottom lip slipping between his teeth as he tried to find a way fix this.

His instincts urged him forward, and not knowing what else to do, he let them guide him, let them reach his icy cold hands towards Patton’s warm ones, that were wrapped around what looked like a small penguin. He squeaked at the contact, but didn’t move away, lifting his head to look at him, in fact. His breathing got stuck in his throat, Morality’s soft looking eyes making his chest warm up. He was vaguely aware of the way his heart skipped a bit, on how he had slowly wrapped his fingers around Patton’s, encouraging him to let the stuffed animal fall to his lap as their hands clasped together, halves of a whole finally complete.

It was cozy, being together like this. Patton shyly moved closer to him, leaning against his left side, silent the whole time. Usually, quiet Patton would be a bad sign, an indicator that something was wrong, but this time around, as he lightly rested his head on Virgil’s shoulder, he was sure that that couldn’t be the case. His head had moved to rest over his, igniting a giggle out of his boyfriend, and only then did it really sink in that he was alright. That they were both alright.

\- Not to break the moment – he suddenly commented, doing just that. – But I’m really craving something sweet right now.

For some reason, Virgil completely lost it with that comment, unwinding in loud laughter until his hand came to cover it, and Patton couldn’t be more delighted. His mouth was slightly parted, watching the other like he was the most beautiful thing his eyes had ever landed on, and if you asked him about that, he would tell you all the details between squeaks. The way he could still see his smile behind his pale hand, how his eyes wrinkled and shone whenever he laughed, how his cheeks got slight rosy in embarrassment, but in the most happy way. The love was overwhelming, gathering in his chest and begging to come out, but he couldn’t say it. Not yet. He knew his love, and he knew he would pressure him into saying he loved him as well if he said it so early on. So he muffled it down, letting it flow through his body, making himself feel like he was floating.

Virgil must have not noticed how Patton leaned further into him, his head turned away to hide his features. Only when he had calmed down enough did he decide he should look back at his silly partner, mouth opened to spit out the carefully planed reply. A kiss was the least possible outcome he had expected, in all honesty. The softness that slipped back into his mind ripped a gasp out of him, his body frozen in place as his eyes closed against his will. His hand still clasped in Patton’s was squeezed, maybe a reassurance, but he was barely aware of it, his mouth suddenly eager to kiss him back.

Morality let out a sound, possibly a pleased hum, and then Virgil felt warm snaking around the back of his neck, tickling him slightly. His hood was slowly slipping from his head, messing up his carefully brushed bangs, but he barely cared.

Despite the appearance, the kiss was calm, simply a bit too excited, the sparks of new experiences fueling their curiosity. Patton was the first to pull away, breathless already, and Virgil wasn’t even aware he had chased after him until the sound of shy giggles reached his ears, making his eyes fluster open.

\- Was that okay? – he whispered, freshly kissed lips moving slowly, his hand still resting against the back of his neck.

Virgil wanted to reply, say just how much he liked this, but his voice was gone, stolen by the most beautiful siren he had ever met. He nodded firmly, almost too excitedly, and then they were kissing again. His free hand was wrapping around Patton, resting flatly against his back, and he didn’t know how, but it seemed like they were being tugged into each other, like magnets. It was cheesy as all hell, but he could see now why people enjoyed kissing others. It was intoxicating, exhilarating. It made his heart beat fast and slow down, all at the same time. All of his nerves were on edge, but it the most sensitive, exciting way. He felt exposed but safe, wanting nothing more than to stay like this, possibly forever.

He slowly pulled away, finally feeling his hood fall on top of his shoulders, and it was the silliest thing, but it made them both giggle at the same time. His body felt light, a sensation like anxiety tickling under his stomach, but in a good way. Virgil didn’t even know that was possible, but now that he did, maybe he would cut Thomas some slack next time he decided to gush about kissing some guy. He doesn’t know when, but as he opened his eyes, he was met with Patton’s happy ones, their foreheads pressed together. He was still a little breathless, his expressions generally shy, but Virgil could feel something wasn’t quite right.

\- Okay? – was all he managed to say, his hand on his back simply curling around the fabric of his onesie to have something to do.

\- Y-Yea – he replied, his eyes drifting to the right.

He always looked away when he was lying, and realizing that immediately made Virgil feel on edge, his body moving away to better look at him. The warm air around them chilled out, the layers of blankets under them doing nothing to keep away the freezing cold that had seeped into his bones. His insecurities were rapidly coming back, the voices reminding him of all of his bad intentions. There was no way Patton had enjoyed that. “How could he when you forced yourself onto him- “

His fist curled tighter against his back, and he compelled himself to take a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment.

\- Pat, be honest with me here – the anxious side managed to say, far more collected than he expected. – I know you’re lying.

Patton didn’t try to say anything. Not trying to deny it was already a bad omen right of the bat, but then he looked conflicted, right before shifting into scared. His hands were fidgety inside the fluffy paws as he tried to lean away from him, but Virgil’s firm grasp on his clothes accidentally stopped him. Anxiety could feel his tense muscles against his grip, and he decided on focusing only on keeping his eyes open, almost unblinking. This couldn’t be happening.

\- Patton – the urgency was slipping into his voice, his lip just a nervous thought away from trembling. – D-Did you not like that? You can tell me. I won’t panic, just tell me if I screwed everything up-

\- Hey- Hey now! – his hands came up in alarm, wanting to cup his cheeks but feeling like that would most likely make his boyfriend spiral down. – Who said anything about that?

A shaky breath, in and out.

\- No one, but—

\- No buts – Patton was looking him in the eyes, very sure of himself before his gaze softened. – That was not, uh – a nervous, short giggle. – It was the complete opposite of that...

He looked almost scared again, but not quite. His cheeks were pink, from embarrassment and the stuffy air of the blanket fort, his covered hands tapping timidly against one another, and his anxious thoughts were gradually turning into confused ones.

\- Opposite how?

\- Well...

Patton shifted in place, looking uncomfortable, and his actions and lack of answers were only fueling his need to know what was going on. Virgil almost spoke up again, wanting to know what was wrong so he could fix it, but Morality suddenly started acting weird, well, more weird than he was already, very forcibly coughing into his hand as he rapidly looked down at his own lap. Virgil could only furrow his brows at him.

\- What??

\- Oh my god – he whispered, hiding his face in his hands. – I can’t say it out loud!

\- Say what?!

The other only whimpered, rocking from side to side as he pressed his face further into his hands. Patton could be pretty weird on a whim, but this was getting slightly out of hand when, for all Virgil knew, he could have terribly hurt him and he wasn’t telling it to him. The anxious side pulled his hands away from him, tracing back and trying to figure out what could have happened, letting his eyes drift across the pillow fort. His hands found comfort in his ankles, and his innocent eyes caught on the Patton’s movements, as he brought up one of his knees, almost like raising up a wall between them. The strangled noise Virgil let out wasn’t due to that possibility, but god, did he wish he hadn’t seen it.

Patton’s cat onesie was one of the baggiest ones, compared to everyone else’s, and no one really knew why. Anxiety had assumed it had been just a comfort thing, like how he liked his own hoodie to be slightly oversized and long, but now that he had noticed the tent right at the base of the outline of the cat belly, he really wished Patton had manifested an even larger pajama size.

\- L-Little Patton got a little excited – he mumbled, almost like a question, and Virgil could only stare at him in disbelief.

\- Don’t, call it that!

\- I’m sorry! – he squeaked, his hands pressed against his red cheeks.

Virgil breathed in and out, running a hand through his hair. He really didn’t want to look back at the bulge, but his eyes weren’t cooperating with him, drifting back to the curious shape it made against the soft looking material of his clothes. His left hand twisted, unfiltered thoughts wondering around his mind, making him question if his erection would feel different than his own against his hand. He could feel the blush burn through his foundation, and he was aware Patton could see it, by the way his eyes widened before looking away.

\- I-I’m sorry. I don’t know why, because the kiss was just so nice- but not like that.

He looked mortified, and that ticked Virgil off, making him push down his own embarrassment for Patton’s sake.

\- Hey, there’s no shame in that – he said, not even aware he was speaking before the words had already left his mouth. – It just, happens.

Morality’s hopeful eyes were on him, and a wave of heat traveled through his body. The fairy lights seemed to dim slightly, his boyfriend’s little unconscious movements making Virgil more aware of what was happening between his legs, making his stomach violently twist in on itself. Fuck.

\- Really? – his voice was unsure, and for some reason, Virgil found his shyness really attractive.

He wanted to reply, his lips curled up in reassurance, but his vision suddenly blurred around the edges. Next thing he noticed, they were kissing again, hard, the initial softness gone, mostly arousal fueling his actions now.

Not too long afterwards they were falling, and Virgil was only aware of that because Patton squeaked as they tipped backwards, his presence keeping his boyfriend down against the ground. His nervous giggles filled the air, but they barely reached Anxiety’s ears, his hands moving to pin the other’s wrists against the fluffed out floor. Their mouths were smushed together again, the raw need and desire making it hard to breathe. He was vaguely aware Patton was pushing against his grip, whimpering to the slightly overwhelming kiss, but Anxiety didn’t stop. He only tried deepening the kiss more if anything.

Morality was full on trashing around now. He wasn’t strong enough to actually fight Virgil, and even if he was, he wouldn’t have the courage to hurt the other like that, but he was trying to show, with the best of what he got, that he just needed a little break. That was all. The anxious side moved to pull away, big gulps of air pushing past their panting, and Patton relaxed a little, smiling up to him. There, here was his change. He just needed to ask for that break. 

His hopes were quickly shattered as he felt something wet push against his lips, Virgil’s tongue intruding into his mouth as the hold on his wrists got uncomfortably tighter, enough to make his hands feel numb. He let out a pained sound, an attempt to alarm him, maybe to scare him, but he didn’t move away, only pressing closer to him. His body reached to the touch even if he didn’t want to, making him gasp as he felt a pressure against his lower parts.

For some reason, Virgil pushed away, eyeing his handy work, and then he was smirking, toying with him like his feelings didn’t matter. Patton’s erection felt unnatural against his hand, too stiff, but soft too, due to the layer separating his touch from Patton’s body. There were tears glistening in his boyfriend’s eyes, his cheeks red and puffy, like they always got when he was close to crying, and he moved his free hand, fingers coming closer to snap. Morality’s eyes widened, some of his strength coming back to him, and he was saying something, desperately looking him in the eyes, before his clothes dissolved into nothing with a click.

And then something touched him. The fairy lights were so bright. The air felt too hot, enough to burn his lungs, and his hands prickled, fire ants under his skin. Everything was blurry, but something, someone, was right in front of him, he knew. A mouth, it was moving, but he didn’t hear the words. A light brush against his cheek set all his nerves alight, and some of his senses came back to him, his mind being able to process the warm hand that came up to push away the tears.

\- Breathe in with me – the dismembered voice said distantly, a slight echo to it, before the sound of breathing reached his ears too.

Virgil didn’t know what to do. He could still feel it, the sensations against his hands, the warmth against his lips. It wasn’t real, but it was almost like it was, and that realization spiked his panic up again, his breathing picking up. He was a horrible person. No normal person would fantasize of raping his boyfriend right after you just had your first kiss. He was more than a freak, he was a fuck up. He should just die-

\- Hey hey – the voice called urgently, hands urging to comfort him, but not knowing how. – It’s okay, I promise it’s okay. I’m here.

At the horrible outcome of his solutions, Patton decided to rapidly change tactics, trying to remember anything of what Logan had been teaching him about panic attacks. Unfortunately, nothing came back to him, and Virgil’s shallow breath was progressively getting fast, so he decided to improvise, hoping Anxiety wouldn’t hate him too much after this. Without giving it too much thought, the heart reached for his hand, the jerk in his movements not surprising him in the slightest. He hated the way he had to fight against Virgil’s wishes, keeping his grip on his hand firm and steady, but not enough to hurt, as he directed his palm against his chest. A calm sigh escaped past his lips as he felt the pressure right over his heart, and by the way Virgil’s panicked reactions subdued slightly, that must have been the right thing to do.

\- I’m here – he repeated calmly, reaching for his other hand.

Surprisingly, his boyfriend didn’t try to fight him this time around. His arms were shaking, but Patton wanted to believe that was only due to left over panic. He was handling this, he would handle this. As gently as he could, he laced their fingers together, palms presses against each other, and just as he did so, Virgil took in a trembling breath.

\- Yea, that’s it. – he smiled, looking him in the eyes and ignoring the lump on his throat. The tears had ruined his makeup, black strips of diluted eyeshadow painted down his cheeks, and the imagery almost made it look like Virgil was dissolving with the dark paint.

It shouldn’t have worked, it usually didn’t, but the touch was overriding the fake one left by the thoughts, and Patton’s steady heart almost made him want to scream in relief. Calm heart meant safe. Safe meant only in imagination had he been bad. Virgil took another breath, feeling his chest filling up with air until he couldn’t handle it, and some of his vision came back to him. He cursed his senses with what words he could muster, the fairy lights still stupidly bright.

\- L-Lights out – he whispered, his throat too hoarse to even sound demonic. Some part of him wished it did. – Lights out.

The outline of Patton seemed to lean closer to better hear what he had said, but he still couldn’t exactly see his eyes, only vaguely aware of where they would be from memory, and his panicked mind filled in the blanks for him, giving him the most disgusted, disappointed look he could imagine. He felt his own heartbeat picking up at the sight, his hands tensing around what they were grabbing, and Patton didn’t hesitate on moving closer, staying as close to him as he could.

His slow mind really wasn’t a good aspect right now, but once it processed Virgil’s words, he nodded to himself, letting go of the hand that kept Anxiety in touch with his chest to circle a finger out in the air, gradually dimming out the lights until they were completely out. Patton didn’t particularly like the dark, his blind eyes searching for Virgil’s figure in the warm void, but he didn’t have to, feeling someone rapidly moving to hug him. The head that rested against his chest wasn’t heavy or impactful, just leaving a comforting weight over his heart, and Patton wished that meant comfort for the otherd as well. His arms were moving to wrap around Virgil as he felt his going around him to do the same, and Morality did his best to ignore the way he shook against him, knowing just from sound that he was crying, only feeling the dampness of it seeping through his clothes once he had really mushed his face against his chest.

\- Everything is alright – he started softly, one of his hands gently pulling the hood back over Virgil’s head, knowing that would help him feel secure. – Just let it all out, I won’t leave you.

He wasn’t sure if his words were reassuring or not, actually getting scared as Anxiety’s sobs got louder and stronger, his fragile hands gripping him for dear life. Patton didn’t say anything else, simply making cooing sounds and humming so Virgil would know he was still there, patting his head lightly and keeping him close.

Neither of them really knows for how long they stayed like this, the blanket of darkness that had wrapped around them not helping them figure out the passage of time. Patton had progressively gotten sleepier, almost like he was absorbing Virgil’s exhaustion, and deep down, he wish he could do that.

\- I’m sorry – he heard himself mumbling into Virgil’s hair, not daring to let go of him.

It wasn’t like the anxious side wanted to move, or like he could after such an intense panic attack, but he appreciated the gesture. That doesn’t mean he couldn’t make faces at the darkness, almost asking it what Patton was on about.

\- What for? – he whispered back, coughing into his hand immediately afterwards.

Patton’s hand on his back tried helping him out, patting softly in the middle of his shoulder blades, but what he really needed was water.

\- I... my body was very inappropriate – he sighed, not knowing how to put his thoughts into words. – I feel like I scared you.

\- No, Pat-

\- Even if you tell me it wasn’t me, I know I must have helped with that somehow – his body tensed slightly, but he never let go of Virgil. – Don’t you dare leave the blame all to you.

Anxiety bit his lip, pushing back the bothered sigh that threatened to slip out, and slowly breathed through his nose, nodding.

\- Alright. It still wasn’t because of you. I... it’s my mind that it’s messed out.

\- No! – he exclaimed loudly, with absolutely no warning, and he immediately regretted doing so, at the way his boyfriend jumped in his arms. – I-I’m sorry, I didn’t plan to sound so loud...

\- It’s fine – Virgil’s head moved to look up at Patton in the darkness, for once grateful that he had night vision.

The silence fell over them, awkward and unwanted. The lack of light had done wonders to his nervous system, but he still felt somewhat jittery, left over from the earlier panic, and he knew the only way to push that down would be to talk about what had been bothering him for weeks now, but he couldn’t find the courage to admit it.

\- Why... why would your mind be messed up, kiddo?

He huffed out a laugh, the nickname bringing him back in time. It was Patton’s default name, for when he wanted to comfort someone and didn’t knew how, so Virgil didn’t really mind it, even if it was kinda weird.

\- You really don’t wanna know, trust me – he tried sounding playful, to brush off the topic, but it wasn’t all that successful.

\- I do – Patton said firmly, and Virgil saw the determined look he pointed at him in the darkness. – I wanna help you if I can. And LoLo is always telling me to open up when something bothers me, provided that I, uh- how did he say it?

He scratched his head, trying to remember the exact words.

\- Provided that the ambience was the most appropriate or, something.

Virgil could only snort at his attempt, imagining the face he had made when Logan first managed to break that to him.

\- Hey! I’m not good with words, don’t laugh - he was being serious, but the pout he was wearing was ridiculous on purpose, and that only made Anxiety’s need to laugh bigger.

\- I know, I know – his voice sounded better than before, more relaxed, and that made Patton relax as well. – Logan is always using complicated words, anyways.

The heart nodded pointedly, but rapidly shook his head, his eyes back on him.

\- But that’s not the point, don’t try to distract me – he breathed deeply in and rapidly expelled it out. - I’m serious. I can tell this is hurting you, and I can’t stand it.

Despite his night vision, Virgil couldn’t see the hand that had come over to cup his cheek, the skin on skin contact making his muscles tense up before he reminded himself this was okay. Patton didn’t say anything else after that. He wanted to give the other the change to refuse, or to make him comfortable enough to open up, so in the meantime, he would only get distracted by the feel of Virgil’s cheek against his thumb.

\- I... – he started quietly, leaning into his touch like it would be the last time he would be able to have it. – Since we got together, I’ve... I’ve been having intrusive thoughts. Uh, sexual. About you.

That was not what Patton expected, in all honestly. All words escaped him, his cheeks burning, and now he could see why Virgil was so uncomfortable earlier before he started panicking.

\- I thought, like, at first, that I was just being gross. Like, fantasizing about people is normal, right? Or, I mean, I suppose it is, I don’t know – his hand instinctively came up, his thumb between his teeth before he could stop it. – So I ignored it. What else was I supposed to do, you know?

Patton nodded slowly, to give him some sort of an answer, but he was honestly a little confused.

\- But then... – he bit down on his thumb hard, his teeth almost breaking through his skin. – I don’t know why, but they just started... getting more violent, I guess? They started happening more frequently, and being more vivid.

Morality felt him taking a deep breath, and he moved despite his wishes, gently pulling his hand away from his mouth. Virgil almost jumped at the touch, but Patton didn’t do anything else besides holding his hand, just giving something to ground him.

\- I could feel... I can feel what my hands do, during those thoughts, which makes absolutely no sense, because I know it didn’t happen, but I started doubting if it really had or not because it all gets smushed together in a big fuck up pile.

His voice was getting fast, like he was on the verge of a panic again, and Patton could only squeeze his hand; not wanting to interrupt him, but also not wanting him to freak out. The gesture triggered his mind into making him breathe in again, and so he did, taking his time to let the air flow through him.

\- And you’re just so sweet and cuddly and touchy, and – a frustrated groan cut him off, before he regained part of his composure back. – That’s not a bad thing, but my mind sees that as something bad, for some reason.

Patton felt guilty, in part, not fully understanding what he had admitted, and he was afraid speaking would only make everything worst. His tongue burned with the questions he wanted to ask, but he knew he shouldn’t said them, might that cause problems.

\- Uh... thank you, for sharing that with me – his thumb made circles against his hand, a grounding gesture for the both of them. – But... I don’t know exactly what to say to that. Have you spoken to Logan about this? Or Remus. He is intrusive thoughts after all.

Virgil flinched in his arms at that and Patton immediately tensed up, kicking himself for being honest. His negativity was pushing into his mind, but he tried holding it back, knowing the other would give him a reply and then we would just figure this all out. Yea.

\- No – he shifted in place, getting more comfortable. – I... I don’t know why. I didn’t even think about that.

He didn’t elaborate more than that, and the heart could only hope the silence meant he was thinking of maybe talking with either of them after this, and not that he was planning of ways he could break up with him. Morality then realized Virgil hadn’t really specified what exactly had made him panic, and that tickled the curiosity into him. His eyes had gotten somewhat used to the dark, not enough to see all that well, but enough to be able to pick on the other’s movements, so he focused on searching for where his eyes would be, hoping the gasp he heard meant he had found them.

\- I just, I don’t mean this in a bad way, I wanna make that very clear – he waited for Virgil to nod before continuing. – But why is this bothering you? Ah, I mean- if you know they are intrusive thoughts, then that means they are not really your thoughts- I mean, they are, but it’s not like you wanted to think them, so...

That had been a train wreck from the start, oh gosh. Virgil would totally get the wrong idea out of that, he could already imagine his face-

\- I... – Anxiety started, shifting closer to him. His forehead hit his chest softly, and then he heard a heavy breath being pushed out. – I know that. Or, I’m trying to convince myself of that, but... b-but...

The tears were burning his eyes again. He almost laughed, not knowing how he still had water to shed after crying so much earlier, but he guessed he was that pathetic. He moved his hand, changing the grip Patton still had on it, and slowly laced their fingers together, wanting to commit the feeling onto memory.

\- They are just so... I don’t even know how to describe them – he shrugged, aware his voice was getting weak. – I just... I just keep imagining... forcing myself onto you, and you always look in so much pain. You’re always telling me to stop, but I d-don’t, a-and-

He sniffed, letting the tears fall silently down his cheeks. His voice was watery, making it very clear that he was crying, but he didn’t have the energy to even try to hide it. His chest hurt, like that one time Remus threw a dagger at him, but even that hurt less, somehow. He wanted to stop crying, hold it back like he had been during for the last month, but he didn’t have any energy left to care about that.

Patton’s hand gently came up, confirming his suspicions at feeling the wetness against his palm, and the way Virgil leaned into his touch like a wounded animal was heart breaking.

\- Virgil, I... I wish I could help, but.

“Here it comes”, he thought to himself, bracing for impact, “A fuck up like me didn’t deserve him anyways”.

\- I can only imagine how you’re feeling – he traced back on his words, caressing Virgil’s cheek to try to give him some comfort. – But do you think you’d really do that to me?

Anxiety could only nod, knowing Patton would get his reply, but he missed the way the other’s brows furrowed.

\- But why? This is very clearly bothering you, so you can’t believe you’d actually do that, right?

The deny almost spilled, the usual automatic response ready to be fired, but he actually thought about it, his tired brain somehow able to process through that. It was hard to fight the negativity when all you want to do is disappear and cry, but he tried, barely aware that Patton was still comforting him, not having stepped away not even a little after his confession.

\- Let’s put it like this – Morality started, shifting closer to him. – Do you think a bad person, as in, a person that actually would have thoughts like that intentionally, would feel as bad as you’re feeling right now?

Virgil blinked, some of the fogginess clearing. His tears had stopped, his eyes now terribly dry, but he was still hyper aware of the salt and eyeshadow against his cheeks.

\- No – he said without even realizing, something clicking inside of him, and like a chain reaction, so many dots connected together.

He moved his head off Patton’s chest, looking him in the eyes, and the small smile that met him stole the breath away from him.

\- Then that’s what you need to focus on – he leaned down, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead, looking at him like he was the most important thing in the world. – Your feelings are valid. You’re feeling like that for a reason. And I know you wouldn’t hurt me like that. I trust you.

The relief was chilling, rapidly coursing through his body, and the way it contrasted with his previous emotions almost made him start bawling again, but he gulped it down, not wanting to risk getting dehydrated, even if he wasn’t sure that could happen, since they were sides and all. A weight he wasn’t aware of was lifted off his chest at the soft tone of Patton’s voice, at the sight of his calm expression, and his body moved before he could stop himself, their chests colliding with a bit too much force. Patton could only squeak in shock, his arms desperately flapping in the air, but he couldn’t fight gravity no matter how much he tried.

They fell over the cushions, and Virgil almost started panicking again, a sense of dejavu grabbing him by the shoulders and making him afraid to move. That is, until he could hear Morality’s openly happy laugh, his arms wrapping around him.

\- Someone is excited – he teased, the widest smile on his lips, and Virgil couldn’t help but chuckle quietly as well, moving around to get closer to his face.

\- I don’t know what you’re talking about.

\- Mhm – the heart giggled, running his hand through his purple hair.

The fairy lights didn’t light up again. It was late, and warm, and lying down didn’t help with their shared exhaustion, so as soon as the silence fell over them, Patton was the first one to go. He barely felt it happening, and neither did Virgil, who had only looked down at him when his hand stopped petting him. He grumbled slightly, missing his affections already, but pushed that down, not wanting to wake him up.

All bundled up in his onesie, Morality almost looked like a child. He was actually snoring, not too loudly, and his slightly parted mouth breathed air against Virgil’s face. He would usually freak out about staring at someone, but his emotions were too drained for him to feel anything, in all honestly. Anxiety didn’t fall asleep right away, to no one’s surprise, but for once, his insomnia wasn’t too bothersome. Not being able to move away, could that wake his boyfriend, gave him time to think about the day, in the comfort of Patton’s arms, and the accepting environment they provided was more than he could ever ask for.

**Author's Note:**

> To spill some of my personal life to strangers on the internet, Im aroace. Ive been in a queer platonic relationship with this amazing man for almost a year, and I couldnt be more happy. We live in different coutries, and we met online, so we never actually met, so you can imagine how confused i was when i started having intrusive thoughts about him. Even more when my thoughts were the ones that i described up there... i know its not me, but i cant help blame myself for having them. I was honest about them to my partner, and it actually helped a bit, but he started feeling guilty about them as well, when it doesnt make any freaking sense that my mind decided to latch onto his face when it decides to think about that. I didnt even showed him this oneshot because im afraid he'll blame himself again. I honestly just needed the comfort for myself. I'm sorry for anyone that decided to read this.


End file.
